Hi, I'm
Grace

I fought a lot, mostly with myself. I wasn't able to see myself the way others saw me, and I could never accept a compliment because I simply didn't believe them. The underlying feeling of not being good enough followed me through my whole life. I always felt I wasn't pretty enough, not toned enough, not strong enough, not smart enough — because of certain beliefs I held, because I compared myself to my siblings, my friends, to everyone around me. I developed patterns of behavior that carried me through life like a survival program, and behind the facade of a smiling face I could hide my vulnerability. It served as my own shield, and I became a master of acting — I showed myself as happy in order to hide the pain, the tears, behind closed doors.

I had to prove my worth through the outside world — mostly on party nights, so I could enjoy the brief moments when I felt valuable. But like a quick drug that gave me an intense but short-lived high, the hangover was even worse, and the tears grew bigger.

My relationship with myself was broken. I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. My breasts were too small, my belly too round, my behind too flat. And I told myself this over and over. I said it out loud while looking myself in the eyes, and without realizing it, I manifested self-hatred my whole life — until it became my reality.

After excessive workouts, I would torture myself with starvation diets to make up for the calories of the day before, but I kept losing myself in the binges I put myself through. I had no other choice. It was a compulsion, a higher power controlling me without my even being aware of it. Sometimes I spent hours in the supermarket, torn over which foods I was allowed to have and which I wasn't. My social life often suffered because combining food and company became a bigger and bigger challenge. Planning a dinner with friends required a long mental and physical build-up, and I often found excuses not to show up, or to arrive late. Spontaneity became a foreign word. I was ashamed of myself, and at the same time furious that I couldn't act any differently.

I lost hope that anything could change, and I gave up on myself. I didn't take care of my body and couldn't build any real connection with it. I would have traded it in an instant if I'd had the chance! I reached a peak — a point where my mental struggles started showing up physically. A point where my body started sending signals that made me stop and think, and that worried me for the first time in my life. My digestive system stopped working normally, and I got sick often. For the first time in my life, I became genuinely worried about my future….

I knew exactly — it was now or never — but things couldn't go on like this. I gathered all my courage and reached out for help. I got in touch with different therapists and started practicing yoga and meditation. Being diagnosed with an eating disorder wasn't exactly a surprise, but it still hit me like a slap in the face. A slap in the face of reality. I gathered all my strength and worked hard on my mindset. Slowly but steadily, I got to know myself better, and even though the changes were very uncomfortable at times, I felt love for myself again for the first time in a long while. But I still couldn't silence the voices in my head telling me I wasn't enough. My biggest fear was disappointing someone I loved. So I tried to please everyone, always putting others first and myself second.

And even though I was fighting bulimia, I was still followed by constant thoughts about food, and I often caught myself eating for emotional reasons. I hoped my problems would disappear if I left the city I was living in. I thought maybe I needed a different environment to find my way back to myself. I dove deeper into yoga, traveled to India, and became a teacher. The journey itself changed me a great deal, but even though it looked at first like I had solved my problems, in the end it wasn't the cure.

But my journey led me to new people, and I discovered paths I hadn't known before. I let go of toxic relationships. Along the way, I got to know myself better, learned to understand my behavior in different situations, and understood what was triggering my problems. As my energy shifted, I attracted more like-minded people and invited them into my life.

I met a man who, for the first time in my life, made me feel valuable just as I am. My relationship with my body reached a whole new level. I learned not only to accept my body, but to love, appreciate, and respect it. I enjoyed touching it and became friends with my own reflection. I started manifesting self-love, and self-love became my new reality. I changed my attitude toward movement and exercise — I moved because I could, because I wanted to, because I liked how it felt in my body, and not because I had to compensate for calories. I praised my body for what it achieved, and gave it time to develop new abilities.

I changed my relationship with food, started listening to my body's signals to answer the question of what to eat and when, and suddenly eating became intuitive instead of emotionally driven. I learned to work through old, stuck emotions. I let them out instead of suppressing them. I allowed myself to show my emotions, my feelings, all the different faces of me — even if it meant risking rejection. I freed myself more and more, breaking loose from the chains I had put on myself years earlier. And a new woman was born.

• A warrior in the flesh, who fought her way to freedom.
• A woman who knows her strength, who lives out her full potential.
• A woman who has an opinion, and who can voice it.
• A woman who knows what she stands for.
• A woman who knows her worth, who knows herself.
• A woman who loves her body and treats it that way.
• A woman who has healed her wounds and grown through them.
• A woman who is authentic and real, in her vulnerable sides as much as in her strong ones.
• A woman who trusts herself and is clear about her path.

I have a vision — the vision that every woman has the power to change, to become the best version of herself, to live a life of joy and self-love, without having to pretend to be someone she thinks she should be because of ideals about herself and misleading beliefs handed down by society. And my vision became my mission.